April 18, 2008

Have you ever had your mind wondering, not paying attention to anything going on outside, but the more and more you contemplate, you realize, that you hate yourself? That's what was happening to me all day long. You have to love yourself with a pure humble love before you can love others. I wanted to help others, I wanted to hang out and just be myself in my own skin, but, I was just so worried about myself that I couldn't. I kept telling myself, 'Why did you have to be so ugly? Why did you have to be so fat? Why did you have to be so stupid? You'll never get married. You'll never fall in love. You will never be loved. Why are you such a fat ugly ***** of a fat elephant? Why are you so horrible? That. Those lies, all day long. Everyday. Over and over and over again, like a catchy song, except, this is no song, it's a string of lies. But then again, sometimes aren't they the same? Just a thought. This is a journey, and a journey where I'll have to walk through torturous flames, and I'll have to endure it with the help and hand of Jesus Christ. I must also learn to not obsess over every guy who even glances in my direction. To tell the horrible, honest truth, I truely realized how much I hate myself when something happened to me. I have mentioned before I am constantly looking for a boyfriend because I feel their love could comfort, but then I realized, their love cannot do that. I wanted their love because I did not love myself. Someone told me when you love someone you feel like your heart is beating outside of your rib cage, and they're all you think about. Unfortunately, that happened to me. I had no idea at the time it was love. To be quite honest, they're not even a good person. They barely talked to me. They had a simple crush on me, and my heart was so empty and longing for love from something it went crazy. (Don't worry, I did not lose that special something that starts with a "V") But, I did realize that I hated myself so much, that I felt I needed their love that much. I fell in love with them for absolutely no reason, and I felt empty still. Love is a sickly, horribly un-understandable feeling. I never thought that I would have felt love at such a long age. Unfortunately, I wasn't in love with the person, I was in love with any amount of attention. Anything close to love because I didn't love myself. So, that's another thing I must do. Learn to love myself...