April 10, 2008

Here it goes...I'm going to tell you a bit about myself. Through my blogs, you're going to learn a bit about me, and a bit about my personality.
Today, I have been thinking about a different school. Right now I go to a small public school in a small town. How small of town you may ask? About 2000 people. My class is a class of about 87. Yeah, small right! Well, today I realized, no one in the hall way cares about me. None of them want me to be there. None of them would care if I left. That's just how it is. If you're not in their 'click,' you don't matter to them...bottom line. That's the cruel heartless world for you. There's a school called Minnesota New Country School, and basically it's a lot more open. Your classroom has like 6 kids, you get your own teacher, own computer, less strict schedule, and you get to pick more of what you want...more freedom. I really want to go to that school. But, no matter where I go, I'm still going to be a 'faker.' Let me explain what a faker is. A faker is someone who goes in front of people, anyone, almost, and fakes. They put on a fake smile, fake personality, and completely make fools out of themselves. That's what I do. I fake. I think I do it way too much, then again, I should never be faking, should I? I try so hard, all I am is stupid and annoying. My friends are so annoyied of me. I can tell. Sometimes, they look at me like I'm stupid. I"m not the clown that made them laugh anymore. I'm the girl that tries way to hard to cover the pain, the cut inside. The welt that's so huge it affects everything they stand for and believe...read more tomorrow to find out...wait, I might as well tell you one thing that's not completely depressing! My friend and I have 'moments' on the bus where we talk about our day, and if a guy talked to us. We ususally share something lame like 'OMG, they hit me in the head with a soccer ball!' or, 'He said hi to me in the hall way, and looked really cute doing it, and his eyes were flirtatious!' Yeah, lame right? Well, unfortunately, we HAD to sit with the lamest people in school because we felt sorry for them because no one else would. So now, we're labeled, right along with them. So if a guy talks to us, it's kind of a big deal. Well, since I fake all the time, I soak up the moment they're talking to me(and of course I act like it doesn't matter, and like it happens all the time :-) But, in the end I regret, because what they saw wasn't my personality, they saw someone else, not me. I've had someone ask me to dance with them at a school dance because they knew my fake side. I basically ended up hiding in the bathroom the rest of the dance. Now, very often I see someone I'm interested in, all I see is something I can't have, something I will never get, or achieve...Read tomorrow to find out more, and you'll learn more! (maybe even some lame chick talk about boys ;-)