It's soooo much nicer outside.
For any of you bloggers who are interested, (unlikely ;-) I think I'm getting better at not being 'fake.' But just a little! Oh well, at least it's improvement right? I'm writing a book. In fact, I want to write a few more, but one I'm writing now is called "24" which is about two teens and eachother documenting about their days in journal. It turns about the both actually like eachother, but one of them happens to have a horrible problem...you'll have to read it to find out! (I'm pretty sure you can figure it out!) oh! I should post each bit online! yeah! I should so do that! ok, I'm going to make a web page for it right now, so keep reading to find out the new page name for the book, "24" !
Remember, you're not an accident, you're not a mistake, and God himself made you in his own way!
God bless, and have a GREAT day!
Keep on smiling!
Monday, April 21, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
April 18, 2008
Have you ever had your mind wondering, not paying attention to anything going on outside, but the more and more you contemplate, you realize, that you hate yourself? That's what was happening to me all day long. You have to love yourself with a pure humble love before you can love others. I wanted to help others, I wanted to hang out and just be myself in my own skin, but, I was just so worried about myself that I couldn't. I kept telling myself, 'Why did you have to be so ugly? Why did you have to be so fat? Why did you have to be so stupid? You'll never get married. You'll never fall in love. You will never be loved. Why are you such a fat ugly ***** of a fat elephant? Why are you so horrible? That. Those lies, all day long. Everyday. Over and over and over again, like a catchy song, except, this is no song, it's a string of lies. But then again, sometimes aren't they the same? Just a thought. This is a journey, and a journey where I'll have to walk through torturous flames, and I'll have to endure it with the help and hand of Jesus Christ. I must also learn to not obsess over every guy who even glances in my direction. To tell the horrible, honest truth, I truely realized how much I hate myself when something happened to me. I have mentioned before I am constantly looking for a boyfriend because I feel their love could comfort, but then I realized, their love cannot do that. I wanted their love because I did not love myself. Someone told me when you love someone you feel like your heart is beating outside of your rib cage, and they're all you think about. Unfortunately, that happened to me. I had no idea at the time it was love. To be quite honest, they're not even a good person. They barely talked to me. They had a simple crush on me, and my heart was so empty and longing for love from something it went crazy. (Don't worry, I did not lose that special something that starts with a "V") But, I did realize that I hated myself so much, that I felt I needed their love that much. I fell in love with them for absolutely no reason, and I felt empty still. Love is a sickly, horribly un-understandable feeling. I never thought that I would have felt love at such a long age. Unfortunately, I wasn't in love with the person, I was in love with any amount of attention. Anything close to love because I didn't love myself. So, that's another thing I must do. Learn to love myself...
Thursday, April 17, 2008
April 17, 2008
I found out why I feel self absorbed, empty, and doing everything for the wrong reasons. I always want more friends because I'm not a good one, and I just want what they have to offer to ME. I always want to have a boy friend to love me because I don't love myself. I spend most of everyday thinking about MYSELF. Our pastor asked, 'Are you self absorbed? You don't know? Well, let me ask you this, how often do you think about yourself during the day?' My answer, all the time. I also realized, that people need me. They don't know it, but I know someone that they don't. They have heard of his name, but have never been able to encounter him. I have. There's a difference. I need to think, WE need to think of the others. Sometimes the greatest reward comes from helping others...
Friday, April 11, 2008
April 10, 2008
Hey all you bloggers!
Well, yesterday, I turned on the radio, and bawled my eyes out. I asked God to heal my brokenness. Sorry, I have to be careful when I type. My mom thinks she's helping me when she spies on everything I do. I was better. I felt great. I cried and cried. Guess what? When I cried, all my makeup was smeared, and all around my eyes were black! I ended up laughing at how rediculous it looked!I felt such a peace. I took a deep breathe and felt it would be ok. Then, today I went to school, and I was fake, all over again, like God hadn't done anything in my life. I went back to trying to agnore him. I've learned, from myself, and others, that God is the rock. If you try to jump over him (try to agnore him) the only thing that's going to happen is you're going to trip over him! Ain't that the truth. God is so truely wonderful and awesome, and I'm trying to agnore him. That's what I've been doing, and it's like Jonah. He tried to agnore God, and God sent the storms. I keep trying to live my life without him, and that's what I got. Storms. God wants me to come back to him. I want to life for him, but when I see my friends, I just change automatically. It makes me forget all that he's done for me. It makes me feel horrible. I come home, I find myself, my center. I see my friends, and it's lost. That's what happens. I need to pray, and hope, and know that God will carry my threw these unendurable flames, and I will make it, because if I don't trust in Him, I will not last. BOTTOM LINE
Well, yesterday, I turned on the radio, and bawled my eyes out. I asked God to heal my brokenness. Sorry, I have to be careful when I type. My mom thinks she's helping me when she spies on everything I do. I was better. I felt great. I cried and cried. Guess what? When I cried, all my makeup was smeared, and all around my eyes were black! I ended up laughing at how rediculous it looked!I felt such a peace. I took a deep breathe and felt it would be ok. Then, today I went to school, and I was fake, all over again, like God hadn't done anything in my life. I went back to trying to agnore him. I've learned, from myself, and others, that God is the rock. If you try to jump over him (try to agnore him) the only thing that's going to happen is you're going to trip over him! Ain't that the truth. God is so truely wonderful and awesome, and I'm trying to agnore him. That's what I've been doing, and it's like Jonah. He tried to agnore God, and God sent the storms. I keep trying to live my life without him, and that's what I got. Storms. God wants me to come back to him. I want to life for him, but when I see my friends, I just change automatically. It makes me forget all that he's done for me. It makes me feel horrible. I come home, I find myself, my center. I see my friends, and it's lost. That's what happens. I need to pray, and hope, and know that God will carry my threw these unendurable flames, and I will make it, because if I don't trust in Him, I will not last. BOTTOM LINE
Thursday, April 10, 2008
April 10, 2008
Here it goes...I'm going to tell you a bit about myself. Through my blogs, you're going to learn a bit about me, and a bit about my personality.
Today, I have been thinking about a different school. Right now I go to a small public school in a small town. How small of town you may ask? About 2000 people. My class is a class of about 87. Yeah, small right! Well, today I realized, no one in the hall way cares about me. None of them want me to be there. None of them would care if I left. That's just how it is. If you're not in their 'click,' you don't matter to them...bottom line. That's the cruel heartless world for you. There's a school called Minnesota New Country School, and basically it's a lot more open. Your classroom has like 6 kids, you get your own teacher, own computer, less strict schedule, and you get to pick more of what you want...more freedom. I really want to go to that school. But, no matter where I go, I'm still going to be a 'faker.' Let me explain what a faker is. A faker is someone who goes in front of people, anyone, almost, and fakes. They put on a fake smile, fake personality, and completely make fools out of themselves. That's what I do. I fake. I think I do it way too much, then again, I should never be faking, should I? I try so hard, all I am is stupid and annoying. My friends are so annoyied of me. I can tell. Sometimes, they look at me like I'm stupid. I"m not the clown that made them laugh anymore. I'm the girl that tries way to hard to cover the pain, the cut inside. The welt that's so huge it affects everything they stand for and believe...read more tomorrow to find out...wait, I might as well tell you one thing that's not completely depressing! My friend and I have 'moments' on the bus where we talk about our day, and if a guy talked to us. We ususally share something lame like 'OMG, they hit me in the head with a soccer ball!' or, 'He said hi to me in the hall way, and looked really cute doing it, and his eyes were flirtatious!' Yeah, lame right? Well, unfortunately, we HAD to sit with the lamest people in school because we felt sorry for them because no one else would. So now, we're labeled, right along with them. So if a guy talks to us, it's kind of a big deal. Well, since I fake all the time, I soak up the moment they're talking to me(and of course I act like it doesn't matter, and like it happens all the time :-) But, in the end I regret, because what they saw wasn't my personality, they saw someone else, not me. I've had someone ask me to dance with them at a school dance because they knew my fake side. I basically ended up hiding in the bathroom the rest of the dance. Now, very often I see someone I'm interested in, all I see is something I can't have, something I will never get, or achieve...Read tomorrow to find out more, and you'll learn more! (maybe even some lame chick talk about boys ;-)
Today, I have been thinking about a different school. Right now I go to a small public school in a small town. How small of town you may ask? About 2000 people. My class is a class of about 87. Yeah, small right! Well, today I realized, no one in the hall way cares about me. None of them want me to be there. None of them would care if I left. That's just how it is. If you're not in their 'click,' you don't matter to them...bottom line. That's the cruel heartless world for you. There's a school called Minnesota New Country School, and basically it's a lot more open. Your classroom has like 6 kids, you get your own teacher, own computer, less strict schedule, and you get to pick more of what you want...more freedom. I really want to go to that school. But, no matter where I go, I'm still going to be a 'faker.' Let me explain what a faker is. A faker is someone who goes in front of people, anyone, almost, and fakes. They put on a fake smile, fake personality, and completely make fools out of themselves. That's what I do. I fake. I think I do it way too much, then again, I should never be faking, should I? I try so hard, all I am is stupid and annoying. My friends are so annoyied of me. I can tell. Sometimes, they look at me like I'm stupid. I"m not the clown that made them laugh anymore. I'm the girl that tries way to hard to cover the pain, the cut inside. The welt that's so huge it affects everything they stand for and believe...read more tomorrow to find out...wait, I might as well tell you one thing that's not completely depressing! My friend and I have 'moments' on the bus where we talk about our day, and if a guy talked to us. We ususally share something lame like 'OMG, they hit me in the head with a soccer ball!' or, 'He said hi to me in the hall way, and looked really cute doing it, and his eyes were flirtatious!' Yeah, lame right? Well, unfortunately, we HAD to sit with the lamest people in school because we felt sorry for them because no one else would. So now, we're labeled, right along with them. So if a guy talks to us, it's kind of a big deal. Well, since I fake all the time, I soak up the moment they're talking to me(and of course I act like it doesn't matter, and like it happens all the time :-) But, in the end I regret, because what they saw wasn't my personality, they saw someone else, not me. I've had someone ask me to dance with them at a school dance because they knew my fake side. I basically ended up hiding in the bathroom the rest of the dance. Now, very often I see someone I'm interested in, all I see is something I can't have, something I will never get, or achieve...Read tomorrow to find out more, and you'll learn more! (maybe even some lame chick talk about boys ;-)
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